If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
