The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
