so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize