Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
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