so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
