Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize