Yo dont text me then not text me
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize