cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
