So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
