I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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