So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize