I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
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