So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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