Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
