if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
