If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
