I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
