On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
