Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize
