I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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