I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
