I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
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