I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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