I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
