at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
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