i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
