I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
