I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
