so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
