Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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