I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I am one with the molecules
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
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