My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
