New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Randomize
