there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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