i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
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