The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Randomize
