I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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