Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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