someone get that fucking seahorse.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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