i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
