Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Randomize
