I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Randomize
