our cab driver is having phone sex.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
