I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Found your dick twin last night
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
