I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
