you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
