I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
So much rum. So many feels.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
