i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
