I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
The Olympian is in my bed
Randomize
