Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
quick i need to know how implid consent works for golf carts
too late i think im gettin a gcui
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I don't deserve a penis
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
