By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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