Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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