your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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