Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
