dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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