At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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