every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
