i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
